path-of-least-resistance

The path of least resistance. I am always following it, even if I think I do not. If think I do not, I am not aware of something else that directs me.

Doing work, getting out of my way to do a thing for someone, does not seem like the path of least resistance but it is. Because the act of speaking truth takes much more effort than to get out of my way. Frustration afterwards because I neglected a part of myself. I did not listen to myself, you indeed got out of my way, but getting out of my way is not going to make the world a better place. It is only going to create a crumbling fundament. The fundament is me, I need to take care of myself, listen to myself, love myself. Getting out of my way, and to state afterwards that I did not follow the path of least resistance. As in, I did it the hard way, not the easy way, is false. I did it out of fear, the effort needed to act more truthfully towards myself and embracing the fear, is far more hard for me.

K and I are driving the highway, I did not pay attention to the signs. K says we need to pay a vignette to drive this road. We where almost out of the country, just a few more kilometers. We discussed, I wanted to pay for a vignette, doing the right thing, contribute to the thing I am using. She did not, as we where so close to the border, risking not paying. I followed her,

At times I wonder how I will pull it off, because it seems everything I do, everything, all my actions, my thinking, my viewing, is impregnated by something lesser, something less beautiful, less serving. I do not see how I am able to go through all that muck. I do not see how I can, it is a mountain to shovel away. All I can think of is kick the fundament where it all rests on. It feels feel like a falling into darkness, like a dying, it feel like saying goodbye to a a big part of me. A part that supported me for so long and that I love. But a part that I am letting go. To let go of so many things at once, believes about myself, the world, reality, and see how I loose grip on everything I know and am.