handeling my thoughts

This morning I had a good routine. I woke up, washed my face and continued doing some breathing exercises. I continued with some meditation and it felt rather good. Just being still and watching my breath, the vipassana scanning takes too much effort for me right now. The timer/gong sounded after 30 minutes but I continued after.

When I slowly came out of meditation I felt good, still, calm, serene, gentle, patient, a mix I experienced before. I started to have thoughts and was able to let them in and let them go. I observed it and it clicked, the way I was handling my thoughts. It felt good. The idea that thoughts are a tool and that I do not use them very well, felt true. Many quality thoughts came in. It came back to me to let thoughts come in, see them, and let them go. It is without effort. What I usually do is see them, when they come in out of the blue, and start pushing them away when they are bad. When I get an positive emotional response from them, I tend to use the original incoming out of the blue thought as a starting point to create more thoughts. When I have a question or a problem to be answered I formulate it in my head and the flow of thought stops for a while because I stumble upon a problem, a block, a stop, a halt, because I do not know the solution. So I used to force my way through without knowing I was forcing anything. I try and see to come up with ideas or solutions out of my own effort. Because you “want” the problem to be solved, you “want” to get to the solution so you get your reward. But you do not have to do anything, just let the thought go when you bump upon a block in the flow, leave it. “Yeah but I want it to be solved bla bla bla….” Indeed you “want”. Have patient, have faith, let it go. And by doing so you create an emptiness you do not fill up with your forced thoughts. When the emptiness remains the thought can simmer. And when there is space a new thought can fill it in.

(I do had one time this feel/idea that there where different types of thoughts. It is hard to distinguish at first but there are.)

Anyway when I did this, and got this flow again, I started to smile. It was nice to have that flow, that harmony, that “correct” way of handling my thoughts, this trust like it is all going to be just great. This relief of putting the burden of coming up with all the answers away from your own self. From my perspective and knowing it feels like “external” input, those out of the blue thoughts. When my perspective and knowledge will grow bigger I might have a different view on this.