epilepsy

I am wondering about the epileptic moments I experienced in the past. I was drained, physically and mentally, when I went through such an epileptic moment. My muscles contract so strongly that I was left drained, or rather almost knockout. It felt as the most intense physical workout of my life, felt in my whole body. Next to the physical part there is also an intense moment for the cognitive part of me. Epilepsy did to me what a reset button on a computer would do. It felt like a cognitive reset. After an epileptic moment, it takes time for me to understand again what I am seeing. It takes time for me to realize I am laying on a sofa, it takes time for me to recognize the person whom is standing next to me. It takes time for me to remember which day it is, what just had happened etc... Slowly slowly these things come back to me. I found it a scary and unknown process back then.

Now, many years later, I recognize that in those moments I am seeing without any labels attached to anything. I am just seeing form, without any mental labeling or remembering. In the past I was not able to see this process this way. As I was filled up with believes that prevented to see with serving eyes.

This whole process, of coming back to my self, I found scary. Mainly because for most of my life I believed I was broken somehow, there was something wrong with my head. A very easy story to believe, as the whole world around me, including high educated doctors and all, only speak about it in this way. I believed this story, so all internal epilepsy triggered movements (physical, mental, ...) had a rather negative emotional response. Not necessarily because epilepsy is a bad thing, but because of how I mindlessly adopted a view from my outside world to look at epilepsy. It is a view, a way of looking, that triggers negative emotions.

Whether epilepsy is a good or a bad thing is no longer a sensical question to ask. Epilepsy seemed to happened to me, without my conscious will. There is no point in looking at it as a bad thing. Especially because there is seemingly no choice to have an epileptic moment or not. It's being served anyhow. The only thing to do is to change my perspective, to widen my field of thoughts, so I could see this epilepsy with different eyes, in a more serving way.

Maybe, this epilepsy aids me, maybe it is a guiding mechanism, maybe doctors don't really know what they are doing.

There is always a grander story, a story to be told that shines a light on a much bigger context, with more love, more empowerment,